Men by Women
by namae1
Summary: A (hopefully funny) series of drabbles about how female characters in the Bleach Universe might regard their male counterparts. There will be AU chapters. [Translation]
1. Perfume and Karate

**Arisawa Tatsuki**

_I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men – I'm sick of karate._

_-Phyllis Diller_

-Hey, babe, can I offer you a drink?-

Tatsuki turned around slowly, appalled by those words, and examined with clinical cynicism the freak of nature in front of her: too thin with obviously dyed blond hair and a horrible piercing on his eyebrow.

The girl struggle to keep calm. She took a deep breath, smiled amiably and in the sweetest voice she could manage answered, -I'm sorry, I already have company…-

She returned to their table, chuckling inwardly, while the vile-looking man followed her with his gaze.

Who would have thought that the technique Rangiku taught her worked better than a punch?


	2. Speech and Socks

**Kuchiki Rukia**

_Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas men speak only when driven to speak by something outside themselves like, for instance, they can't find any clean socks._

_-Jean Kerr_

That noise kind of reminded her of a dog looking for his bone, having forgotten where it was hidden. Thought Rukia as she ate her breakfast, while listening to her boyfriend turning their bedroom upside down.

The floor shook for the powerful stomping, drawers were opened and tossed, curses were snarled and growled.

And more stomping, tossing and cursing followed.

Rukia smiled and counted to three. As expected, Renji's voice reached her from the other side of the apartment.

-Oi, Rukia! Where the hell did you put my clean underwear?!-

**Nda**

_Many, many thanks to BigBoom550 and Miyuko-Matsuda, who chose to follow this series. 3_


	3. Anguish and Cooking

**Inoue Orihime**

…_it doesn't matter how satisfying life as a whole could be, there will always be moments of anguish, panic, worry, anger and bewilderment. Most of them will occur in a kitchen with a man in it._

_-Barbara Toner_

As far as food was concerned, Orihime knew she was…a little peculiar. She understood that not everyone could appreciate the wonderful combination of chocolate chip ice cream and soy sauce.

So, when she and her boyfriend decided to move in together, they had a silent agreement on whom would have been in charge of their meals.

After all, she had thought, one of his sisters was an excellent cook, he must have some basic cooking skills, at least.

But at that moment, in front of the umpteenth burnt-to-charcoal meal, she was forced to change her mind.

-You know, Kurosaki-kun, I was thinking about taking cooking classes…-

**Namae's Notes**

_Hello, everyone!_

_First of all, I'd like to thank BigBoom550, Miyuko-Matsuda and azazelblackangel, who chose to follow this story, and StealthSage, who chose to favor it. Folks, I'm flattered ^/^_

_Secondly, I must apologize. After publishing the first two chapters, I realized some awful spelling mistakes I made; unfortunately, I still haven't figured out how to modify them (this being the first published story on FanFiction). But I will succeed and remove them. Probably._

_Last but not least, I'd like to thank all the beautiful people who stopped by and enjoyed my little chapters: I hope you will enjoy the next ones, as well._

_Ja ne ^.^_


	4. Anxiety and Laughters

**Unohana Retsu**

_No man has ever had an ordinary cold._

_-Pam Brown_

In a different situation, that scene would have been moving.

Fifth Seated Officer Ayasegawa held nervously his inseparable brother-in-arms Third Seated Officer Madarame's hand, who was lying pitifully on one of the Fourth Division's cots. The poor, bald man kept whining and whimpering, while his friend, extremely anxious and worried, left his hand for a few seconds in order to change the wet cloth on the suffering man's forehead.

When Ayasegawa spotted her entering the room, his eyes started shining with hope and relief.

-Captain Unohana! How is he? Will he survive?!-

Unohana smiled amiably, trying very hard _not _to burst out laughing.

-Don't worry, I'm sure he will recover from a cold in a few days-

**Namae's Notes**

_Thanks to BigBoom55o, Kyliwolf (welcome on board!), Miyuko-Matsuda and azaelblackangel for following this series, to StealthSage for favoring it and to Forgotten64, who so kindly left a review._

_I hope you'll keep enjoying my little chapters! ^.^_


	5. Mediocrity and Books

**Ise Nanao**

_Women want mediocre men, and men are working to be as mediocre as possible._

_-Margaret Mead_

Lieutenant Ise pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and tightly clutched her voluminous book, before analyzing the pitiful show sprawled at her feet.

Several emptied sake bottles surrounded the sleeping man, his clothes were a mess, a suspicious bubble originating from his nose followed his snoring rhythmically and a penetrating stench of alcohol polluted the air around him.

Really.

Sometimes Nanao wondered if her Captain worked hard to be so…so…she couldn't even find a suitable word to describe him, dammit!

Without losing her composure, she raised her book and aimed.


End file.
